Tempus Fugit

There must come a time in everyone's life where they think "this is it, things can only get better from here". I honestly thought my time was at the beginning of the year. My ex-wife was well on the way to beating her cancer, I was seeing my children regularly and things were on the up on the job front. Two week holiday in Goa booked. Smiles all round then.

Its amazing how quickly things turn. It took just one phonecall "I have really bad news. My cancer has come back and it has spread". What can you say to someone who has fought the battle of her life with utmost bravery and dignity only to find the battle won but the war far from over? There are no words, I can't even begin to imagine what she is going through so how can I begin to think I can lend support and comfort. Once the initial shock passes, and it takes some time to do so, the brain kicks into reality mode. How bad is it? How much time do you have? Do the children know? How can we secure their future?

Every one of those questions must feel like a sledgehammer blow, and Gid only knows the strength needed to answer them. She is so brave and has been an inspiration to all around her, but has she got the strength to fight it a second time? This time round she will need to take strength from those around her.

I feel absolutely heartbroken for her. She had a new life planned and the children have really settled into their new home. It isn't fair. My focus must be on supporting her as best I can and being there for the children. She has a lot of family support and many friends who have all pledged to be there for her. I owe it to her to do as much as I can. Not because I feel guilty because I left her, but because she doesn't deserve this and despite not being in love with her I do still love her very much and will miss her terribly should the worsed happen.

The children have started to suspect there is something wrong as she has lost a lot of weight and her hair has all but gone. How do we tell them what could happen?

The Macmillan Nurses have been superb and have a wonderful team that offer help and support not just for her, but for the entire family which has really helped.

I currently live 300 miles away from my children and need to think about what happens to them. Remebering when my mother died of cancer many years ago, the thing that really saved me was the fact that my father didn't pull me out of the school I was in, or away from friends and family.

What of my girlfriend? Well she is in Goa. We discussed the situation and decided that it was best for her to go with her mother. There is a storm brewing and if at least one of us is rested then we'll have a fighting chance of getting through this together. She has been an absolute rock throughout. Without hesitation saying that she would welcome the children in and give them a home. She's a lovely person, and yet again I seem to have landed on my feet.

What of my friends and family? It is amazing how some people talk a lot and when push comes to shove you can just about see their silhouette disappearing over the horizon. Many obvious people have gone and some that have suprised and dissapointed. The ones that have stayed with us though cannot be praised highly enough. Selfless actions and unquestioning support. There is definite strength in numbers and my ex wife and I have an army. Which is great.

For my part, I can't do this alone. There are thoughts and conversations to be had that terrify me. Its not right that I feel bad about it when someone else is suffering more than I ever will. I guess that must be the guilt. In situation like this I guess its down to the power of positive thought, and more than a little belief in miracles.

Happy New Year! A greeting full of possibilities. It certainly started well. Hogmanay in Edinburgh amongst the company of friends, haggis in whiskey sauce and the promise of a soul destroying hangover the next day.

So what has happened since last we met? I started my new job. My commute is only 1 1/2 hours. Not a whiff of Red Bull but unfortunately a large man who has perfected the art of the irritating public snore. Can't complain though, PSP for Christmas and once I'm plugged into that even Kylie's amorous advances would go un-noticed. So work is good and the commute not bad. Two boxes checked. What about everything else?

There's a real sense that I haven't moved any further forward. The divorce still hasn't come through and my ex-wife is still making financial demands that I'm convinced are going to ruin me. I get to see the children once a month, but they are not allowed to visit me, so at the end of the weekend Daddy goes off into the ether and they have no idea to where.

Its in the hands of the lawyers and I hope to god it gets resolved quickly so we can all just get on with our lives. I had the children for two days before Christmas and that was one of the hardest moments in this whole affair. They were so excited, talking non-stop about how good they had been and how many presants they were going to get. My anxious son asking whether he could trade off a promise of good behaviour in 2006 to secure him extra goodies. We had a Christmas meal, pulled crackers, wore hats and told jokes ....

.... then they had to go home to celebrate it properly. Its funny how a high can very quickly sink into the deepest chasms of low.

The first thing I think about when waking up is the children, the last thing I think about before going to sleep are the children. So why am I not with the children? They love their mother as much as they love me. I have a fabulous girlfriend she only has the children. What is the solution? Joint custody, but getting my ex-wife to agree to that has been as is going to be the biggest challenge yet.

I spent a fantastic first Christmas with my girlfriend and her family welcomed me in as one of their own. They are a great bunch who have been supportive throughout, but how much better it would have been to have two other little people there.

Maybe next year. Maybe if I'm extra good

What on earth has my liver ever done to deserve the punishment I have put it through recently? Friday and Saturday night you could have drowned me me a hundred times over in the amount I had to drink.

So what was the occassion? I really don't know. Sometimes you just need to let go and be stupid. I think the constant pressure of the upcoming divorce and looking for a new job just caught up with me and I needed a release.

In high spirits this weeks. Am going to see the children next weekend and they are staying with me, albeit in a hotel, but its a huge step forward and I can't begin to explain how it has made me feel. I am genuinely excited.

I really hope this is a turning point.

Its really easy to get caught up in the moment and let it pull you down. I think I've been doing too much of that. I hate the phrase, but I need to think bigger picture. There is light at the end of the tunnel, my children will always have a relationship with me, I will be financialy secure, Kylie Minogue will return my calls (maybe not, but here's hoping). I don't think of myself as brooding and am not the sort of person that would dwell on something, but of late it seems to me that I have stalled and stopped moving forward.

It felt like a had a heavy weight tied around me, and I think it was me reconcilling the fact that the children were going to move away. Now they have and I hear how happy they are at their new school and how many new friends they have made, I know they're going to be ok. Despite my relationship with their mother, theirs is fantastic, and they are lucky to have her and no-one in the world could replace her. Is that unfair of me to say? What about my girlfriend if they ever meet? In my mind they could build a fantastic relationship, and I'm sure they will but there is a special bond that can never be replicated.

Much to my bewilderment I feel calmer and a lot less stressed about things. I don't feel that tight ball of frustration welling in my chest anymore when speaking with my ex-wife.

I start my new job next week, which I am looking forward to. Am in the blur of writing handover notes to whoever is unlucky enough to be sat in my chair when I am gone. Good job, no real support or resource. How many of us know that one? I'm going to have a two hour commute but as long as I can sleep on the train and the guy next to me doesn't smell of Red Bull or snore too loudly then things will be ok.

Things are certainly looking up.....now did I remember to turn the gas off this morning?

Only two days to the weekend!! It used to be such a refreshing thought, but of late its kind of depressing. I'm really not being fair on my girlfriend. The weekend is going to be great because I get to spend more time with her. Its just the feeling that two very important little people aren't there. It leaves a gaping hole in the whole proceedings.

Looks like another joyful day. My ex-wife asking for money, then asking me to pay her the money she has spent on paying bills over the last few months. trying to get my head around that one. I have been paying for everything over the last ten years, I lose my job and therefore my income so she has to pay to keep things together for a while and now she wants me to pay her back? Do you think I should put in a claim for the previous decade of financial torment I had to go through to maintain the lifestyle she enjoyed? Why does it all boil down to money?

Pobably because I haven't had any for a while. the thing is, I take the view that I will always be able to turn things around and get back on track. Some people call this a cavalier attitude to life when I tell them it isn't worth getting stressed if you can see light at the end of the tunnel. Just do what you can to get yourself there.

My poor girlfriend has been supporting me for the last six months now thankfully I am working so I can pay may way, but she has really had a rough time keeping us both afloat. In the short time we have been together I owe her a lifetime of gratitude.

Payday next week then. Just need to get through the next four days out of the way then my financial pride will be restored, albeit for a nano second until maintenance paymets etc. hit, then its back to square one. It will be brief, but beautiful.

Talking of maintenance, how does that work? London is meant to be one of the most expensive cities in the world to live, so when my ex moved to the west coast things should have got a little easier. It seems I will be funding a London city lifestyle no matter where she lives. I don't want to begrudge the children anything, but I need something to live on.

As long as they're happy I'm happy.

"Sorry we forgot to call you last night daddy". He's only seven for god's sake! It shouldn't be up to him to be apologising. The poor thing is going through enough turmoil without feeling guilty about not having spoken to me last night. Yes, I was hurt that my children hadn't called but the last thing I want to do is force myself on them.

they need to get used to the fact that I'm not going to be with them 24/7 anymore but they can call whenever they want .....or whenever they are allowed.

Friends keep telling me that I ought to be harder and exercise my rights as their father, but what is that going to do to our future relationship? They need to see me fighting for them, not over them. As long as I can show that I am trying, the truth will out.

I have a real dread feeling about this weekend. I think it is going to hit me that I'm not going to see the kids. At least I will be spending it with some great friends who are sensitive to what is happening, and if nothing else want to distract me from what is going on.

Talking of friends, I never believed the adage of you get to know your real friends in times of adversity. Out of all the 'friends' I have had, and there were many, only a handful have stuck by me and t o be fair they have also equally been there for my ex-wife, but then that is when a real friendship shows itself, transcending whatever we do and being there regardless.

Yes, I left my wife for someone else. Yes my children were devastated. did I also mention that during all of this she was diagnosed with cancer? And I still left ...

How do you like me now?

A little word about my true friends then. Next to my girlfriend they are the people who have kept me grounded, who have kicked me in the pants when I was unreasonable, who have welcomed me when I have been unbearable and who I feel I can turn to at any time. They have their opinion of my actions but it doesn't get in the way of our friendship. They are the first to tell me I'm being an arse, but equally so they would do the same with my ex-wife. Cosy isn't it? Not really. These people have compromised relationships to be supportive and I don't think I could ever repay that.

I hope the kids are ok at their new school. Its their first day. Are they going to make new friends.. Of course they are. Who couldn't not like them. Lump in the throat moment.

Apparently my son is very angry with me. How much of that is his mother's voice. I know she wouldn't consciously turn the children against me but she must be hurting, and flippant comments could be taken the wrong way.

I am constantly beibg accused of being to soft and compliant with her. I wish people would understand that though I have no regrets about what I have done there is still a sense of guilt that I have turned someones world upside down. I have to show some sensitivity. I'm not that much of a bastard.

There's primary school opposite my office. Its lovely to hear the children playing. I wish mine were there. I'd stand at my window and watch them all day.

This is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be, especially as I have to be equally if not more sensitive to my new partner. I know she gets frustrated with how I deal with my ex-wife.

"You sound like a beaten man"
"Why don't you stick up for yourself?"
"It annoys me she calls you at the office and you take her calls"

She has to understand that the one thing I will not do is pick a fight for the sake of it. I will be civil, and I will deal with this in a dignified manner. It will not turn into open warfare.

What I do now effects what happens in the future. I have done everything that has been asked of me and have not been at all obstructive. Am I naive in thinking this will set me in good stead for future demands?

So here I am, stuck between a rock and a hard place. An ex-wife who is frustrated by the turn of events and a girlfriend who is frustrated by the situation. What's that I hear? I know, I did bring it upon myself, but I'm only human so indulge me a dip in self pity creek.

At least I have the children (in spirit at least) and the support of my friends.