There must come a time in everyone's life where they think "this is it, things can only get better from here". I honestly thought my time was at the beginning of the year. My ex-wife was well on the way to beating her cancer, I was seeing my children regularly and things were on the up on the job front. Two week holiday in Goa booked. Smiles all round then.
Its amazing how quickly things turn. It took just one phonecall "I have really bad news. My cancer has come back and it has spread". What can you say to someone who has fought the battle of her life with utmost bravery and dignity only to find the battle won but the war far from over? There are no words, I can't even begin to imagine what she is going through so how can I begin to think I can lend support and comfort. Once the initial shock passes, and it takes some time to do so, the brain kicks into reality mode. How bad is it? How much time do you have? Do the children know? How can we secure their future?
Every one of those questions must feel like a sledgehammer blow, and Gid only knows the strength needed to answer them. She is so brave and has been an inspiration to all around her, but has she got the strength to fight it a second time? This time round she will need to take strength from those around her.
I feel absolutely heartbroken for her. She had a new life planned and the children have really settled into their new home. It isn't fair. My focus must be on supporting her as best I can and being there for the children. She has a lot of family support and many friends who have all pledged to be there for her. I owe it to her to do as much as I can. Not because I feel guilty because I left her, but because she doesn't deserve this and despite not being in love with her I do still love her very much and will miss her terribly should the worsed happen.
The children have started to suspect there is something wrong as she has lost a lot of weight and her hair has all but gone. How do we tell them what could happen?
The Macmillan Nurses have been superb and have a wonderful team that offer help and support not just for her, but for the entire family which has really helped.
I currently live 300 miles away from my children and need to think about what happens to them. Remebering when my mother died of cancer many years ago, the thing that really saved me was the fact that my father didn't pull me out of the school I was in, or away from friends and family.
What of my girlfriend? Well she is in Goa. We discussed the situation and decided that it was best for her to go with her mother. There is a storm brewing and if at least one of us is rested then we'll have a fighting chance of getting through this together. She has been an absolute rock throughout. Without hesitation saying that she would welcome the children in and give them a home. She's a lovely person, and yet again I seem to have landed on my feet.
What of my friends and family? It is amazing how some people talk a lot and when push comes to shove you can just about see their silhouette disappearing over the horizon. Many obvious people have gone and some that have suprised and dissapointed. The ones that have stayed with us though cannot be praised highly enough. Selfless actions and unquestioning support. There is definite strength in numbers and my ex wife and I have an army. Which is great.
For my part, I can't do this alone. There are thoughts and conversations to be had that terrify me. Its not right that I feel bad about it when someone else is suffering more than I ever will. I guess that must be the guilt. In situation like this I guess its down to the power of positive thought, and more than a little belief in miracles.